I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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