Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
