but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
