My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm too high and old for this...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
