Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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