i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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