I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
