I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
