Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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