We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
