I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
