is your mom at the bar?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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