I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
