So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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