All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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