My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
