Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
