The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
