I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
