have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
