I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
