Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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