her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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