So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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