ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
