dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
