I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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