Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You pole danced in your parka.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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