So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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