Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
