last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
