i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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