if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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