Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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