dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
