I will die if light touches me.
People in love make me want to vomit
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
