I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
