Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
