My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
do nipples grow back?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
