Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
