I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Boobs are out for the taking
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
