My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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