I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
