I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
