i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
