I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
