matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
