The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
