new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
