Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
