she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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