Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
