i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
