Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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