I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Randomize
