I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
