remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
