sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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