I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
