I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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