I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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