Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
